I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
