I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
