question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
