I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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