Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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