Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
