I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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