The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize