trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
