Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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