I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize