i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Can you bring me the toilet please
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
God I need to hump something, right now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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