she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
