I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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