Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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