so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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