He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
