If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
