I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
