Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
