My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
