I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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