She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
