Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
