saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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