And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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