I will die if light touches me.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
