got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
