**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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