Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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