all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize