My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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