the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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