she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
