just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
