I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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