I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I smell like Dick and happiness
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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