Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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