she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
