Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
