i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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