I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am never drinking with the goths again.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
