If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I could fuck to npr.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
