My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize