RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
