I cannot find my penis.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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