I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
