When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
