I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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