the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
