I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
