She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
