Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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