I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
