I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
