i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize