it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
