I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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