He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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