Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
