Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
