The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
