Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
